As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
