I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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