my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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