So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
