Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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