I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
