I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Im part way to drunk.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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