I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
