I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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