He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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