I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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