The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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