she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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