My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
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