I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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