If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
