I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
