I never want to see another naked old woman again.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
