i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
