We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
