I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
