We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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