did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
