I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
