I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
