proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
