nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize