im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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