i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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