If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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