I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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