I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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