thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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