you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
