you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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