I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
farters have to be the big spoon...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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