I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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