apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
