one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
