hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I deserve this hangover.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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