Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
