I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
