So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
