Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
