I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize