Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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