are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
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