apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
