There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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