shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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