Swine flu. Run for my life!
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
