Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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