Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize