She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
