Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just cut my nipple shaving
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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