His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
