Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
