Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
