I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
