True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize